This weekend I went away to the mountains of North Carolina for a women’s retreat with my church. Due to the fact that I have recently had a personal spiritual awakening of sorts, I was fully expectant for God to speak to me, and received that blessing in full.
Without going into detail on every single lesson (which I would love to), I’ll just say this: the theme was transformation, and day one was transformation of the mind. And man, did it hit me hard!
Those of you that know me know that I have struggled with anxiety for the last couple of years of my life...and as previously mentioned (in the blog post here), although I went to a Christian college, served on ministry teams, and went on mission trips, I was in a spiritual drought for a long time. I knew that I had a relationship with God and that He was there, it just didn’t feel like He was talking to me.
Well, turns out the majority of my frustration during that drought went back to the way I chose to think. Yes, it’s true that the enemy can plant thoughts into my mind. But I was the one who chose to stew on them and dwell in them. I was the one who let my anxiety consume me and affect the way I thought about everything and everyone.
But the main thing that hit me this weekend, during the very first session on transforming my mind, was this:
I cannot be mad at God for not speaking. Not when I’m the one that has my Bible closed.
When I opened my eyes a few months ago and started pouring through scripture, God spoke. His Word is the main way that He speaks to us! I knew that God was speaking to me more, but I thought that it was just because He decided that my drought was over.
Nope. God was there the whole time, waiting for me to listen to Him. He was sitting expectantly. He wasn’t just sitting there for five years, watching me struggle and cry. He was waiting for me to listen.
I’ll be honest, when I walked away from that lesson Friday night, I was on a cloud. I was rejoicing in God and praying about how to revolutionize my thought life and live in freedom from anxiety.
Turns out, Satan didn’t like that too much, and a few hours later, in the middle of the night, I was awake and struggling through an anxiety attack, worrying about the future and work and home and church...
In the wee hours of the morning, I cried out to God to forgive me for giving into my anxiety, for letting myself go there, and I prayed scripture until I fell asleep.
The next night, after another wonderful session, the prayer team at the retreat came around and prayed for each of us silently. We were supposed to write our biggest struggle on a card so they would know what to pray for, so I asked my prayer warrior to pray for my anxiety.
As she laid her hands on my shoulders and prayed silently, God brought a scripture to mind: Psalm 51. It’s the Psalm that David wrote after he had an affair with Bathsheba and killed her husband.
If I’m being honest, for most of my life I think I didn’t identify with this Psalm because I didn’t think I had committed a “huge” sin that needed to be forgiven. I just did the normal stuff. But as I read the words of Psalm 51, I offered it as my own prayer to God, asking for forgiveness for being a slave to my anxiety, for not trusting Him with my future.
I prayed these words to God from the depths of my heart as the woman prayed over me, my tears falling on the pages of Psalm 51 and staining them with mascara.
“Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.”
-Psalm 51:7
When I am pressed and anxious and stressed, I want God’s word to come to mind. This is why I am starting this week by memorizing Luke 12:29-31.
Dear friend, are you worried about your future?
I want to lovingly tell you that this, too, is sin. You don’t have to have an affair, murder, steal, or lie to break God’s heart. Not trusting Him fully breaks His heart too.
Go ahead and pick up your own Bible today.
Are you having a hard time hearing Him? If so, may I ask you...is your Bible open?
Is scripture the first thing that comes to mind when you’re pressed or stressed?
Are you seeking? For a while, I know I wasn’t. You are not alone.
Let’s journey towards Him together. Let’s open our Bibles and seek His face.
Love,
A Fellow Journeyman
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