Dear Hurting Friend,
I have been where you have been.
You’ve known Jesus for a while now, maybe even for your whole life. Maybe you’ve even been mostly obedient...attending church on Sundays, even serving in the kids area or the youth group.
Your coworkers and schoolmates may even know that you’re a Christian. You may have even invited them to come with you to a church event. You listen to Christian radio, you don’t participate in the “crazy sins,” and you know all of the right answers.
In fact, you even know that God actually is with you, and that He hasn’t left you. You may even be in a leadership role at your church or ministry, helping other people meet Jesus.
But inside you feel numb. God hasn’t spoken clearly to your heart in months. Or like me, maybe even years.
You’re afraid to reach out to a fellow leader or church pastor because you feel like they’ll think you’re not good enough, or not a Christian.
I mean, it’s not that you don’t believe in God. It’s that it’s been a long, long time since you feel like He’s made Himself clear. You may have been calling out to Him for months, and it seems like there’s no answer.
Consider my example:
In middle and high school, I learned to be outspoken about my faith, and I was (nearly) fearless when it came to talking about Jesus. I look back at that young girl now, and I envy her boldness in sharing the gospel. I envy how little she cared about what others thought.
To be totally honest, until recently, the last time I heard God clearly speak to me was my freshman year in college. Those who know me, or have followed this blog, may gasp and think: but she was in ministry!
Yep, that is true. After my bold high school years, I went to a Christian university (which I loved); I spent two of my college summers doing missions with human trafficking victims (one overseas, one in the US); I’ve been volunteering with anti-trafficking ministries since 2009; I was in leadership roles in college ministries and Good News Clubs, and
for goodness’ sake, I graduated college and started working at a church!
And yet, for nearly five years, I cried out to God to speak, to make Himself known, and it felt like all I could hear in response was radio silence.
I knew from the church’s teachings and from my own desperate faith that Jesus was there, that He was listening to me and hearing me. But for some reason, I didn’t feel like I could hear His voice.
I still routinely read my Bible and went to church. I did all of the things I was supposed to do, but gradually I started to realize that I just felt numb.
My wandering friend,
I know you read this and deeply identify. You feel my hurt and confusion. And we both know, it doesn’t make much of a difference if I just tell you, “Just wait and keep seeking God. He is here. This dry spell will be over soon.”
First of all, I don’t know if the dry spell will be over soon. I can’t promise you that. And I know that if you’re like I was only a month ago, you have already told yourself to just wait and keep seeking. You’ve already told yourself that God is still here.
I want you to ponder a few questions that helped me. Be honest with yourself and think (and pray) about them.
1. What is at the core of your prayers?
Are you praying for yourself? Are you thanking God for the blessings that He has given you, even the small things?
Remember God’s faithfulness in your life, your friends, your family, your job, the opportunity to go to school...and thank Him for it.
It is 100% okay to ask God for things. It's healthy to tell Him how you’re feeling and ask for what you want or need. But are your prayers purely selfish? Are you just trying to use God to feel better or get what you want?
In my case, I realized that my numbness had caused me to start praying less and less. Eventually, I would only pray briefly before routinely reading my Bible or teaching a lesson at church. I didn’t thank God for much, other than food before meals, and mostly prayed for myself. I rarely even prayed for others. I rarely asked forgiveness for my “small” sins (all sins are equal in the sight of God, by the way...Romans 3:23).
It’s important to realize, that praying even when we don’t know what to say is important (Romans 8:26-27). Praying for other people is also an important step in getting the focus off of yourself and onto someone else...which glorifies God and puts the focus on Him (Ephesians 6:18, Matthew 5:44).
2. When you pray for yourself, what do you ask for?
Do you ask for a promotion, for a new job, for a good grade, or for a boyfriend? Do you ask for specific things?
Like I said above, it is definitely okay to ask God for these things.
But instead of giving God a list of demands and being upset when they aren’t met the way you want them to be...pray for God to show you what HE wants for you.
He knows what you need even better than you do, and you’ll look back at this time later and see exactly why God did the things He did (Psalm 37:4).
3. Who do you reach out to first when you have a problem...a good friend, or God?
Pretty self-explanatory...talk to God about your hurts and frustrations before picking up the phone and calling a friend.
Don't be afraid to reach out to a fellow leader or church pastor. Chances are...they've experienced these times of spiritual drought too.
4. If you’re feeling numb or burnt out while reading the Bible, have you talked to God about it?
This was a big one for me. I still tried to have a quiet time, but after feeling numb for a while, I really had no desire to read the Bible. I made the excuse of having no time (which is a total lie because I read seven other books just for fun in January, and watched A LOT of Netflix).
About a month ago I started asking God to give me a passion for His Word, and to reveal Himself in the Bible. And He did. I
wanted to read the Bible at work and on my lunch breaks, and could not get enough (Psalm 37:4, Matthew 7:7).
I started praying that God would help wake me up earlier in the mornings so I could spend time with Him before work (in case you didn’t know...I am NOT a morning person. I’m the girl who has to leave the house at 8am and consistently gets up at 7:50).
The very next morning, I was awakened by my chirping smoke detector at 7am. I was angry, smashed it with a broom, went back to sleep (WHY), got up at 7:50, and reported it to maintenance at my apartment complex. They reported later that evening that nothing was wrong with it.
The next morning, it woke me up at 6:30. I smashed it and went back to sleep. There was nothing wrong with it after I reported it to maintenance, and they replaced the entire system just to be sure.
AGAIN, the third morning, it woke me up at 5:30. I don’t know how I didn’t see that this wasn’t God trying to get me up...I went back to sleep and realized on my way to work that hey...there’s nothing wrong with the system. This is probably God answering my prayer in a really annoying way, because he has a sense of humor.
So the fourth day that it went off, I got up (admittedly still a little late), I spent some time with God. And the smoke detector hasn’t chirped since!
It’s a funny story, but the point is...if you want more of a passion for the Bible, if you want to desire God’s Word, ask God, and be looking for His answer.
5. Are you looking to see if God is moving?
If you feel like God’s not hearing you...if you’re asking for God to show Himself, to give you a passion for His Word, if you’re thanking Him even when He feels far off...if you’re doing all of the things above, consider this:
If you go back and read my story again, you’ll see how many times I said “I feel” or “it seemed.” It took a couple of “God moments” to get my attention (as seen by my smoke detector story above).
If you feel like you can’t see God...is it because you’re not really looking?
When was the last time you watched a sunset and thought about who created it?
Ask God to show you Himself every day, and pay attention to the little things He does. The big things will happen in His perfect timing, which is so much better than ours.
